3 A.M. Eternal Revisited...

Way back in March 2007, I wrote a blog post entitled, '3 a.m. eternal'. Now, over four years later, I've awoken at - you guessed it, 3 am. 3 am seems to be my witching hour, and oh what a wonderful witching hour it is. Not. For whatever reason, when I wake up in the middle of the night, I can almost guarantee it - the clock will read 3 am. 'On the dot', as they say.

So here I am tonight having woken up at 3 am on the dot - or, I should say, here I am this morning having woken up at 3 am on the dot. Why? Well, it seems my brain decided it would be a good idea to start rehashing a class that I attended earlier this evening. Or actually, yesterday evening. Or maybe it's 'earlier this 24-hour-period evening'. Oh, I don't know! (Insomnia is nothing if not confusing! Sheesh!)

As is so often the case, I digress.

I am taking part in a course called 'Changeways'. It is a requirement of a bigger endeavour of mine, which is weight loss surgery. The last half hour of every class is spent writing down three goals for the coming week. One of my goals this time was to start a blog. When I wrote 'Start a blog', I meant start a new blog on a website called Obesity Help. Why start a new blog? My new blog is going to be specifically about weight loss surgery. Way back in February 2007, when I started this blog, I wrote in my first ever post that blogging is therapeutic. That is why I want to start another blog that is specific to my weight loss journey. The more therapeutic weapons in my arsenal, the better, right?!

It's funny/interesting to me, looking back at this blog. With this most recent post I've referenced my first ever blog post as well as what turns out to be my second-ever blog post - '3 a.m. eternal'. Ta-da!! Full circle!

I haven't been blogging very much at all lately. As in, this is my first post in over five months. Writing a post with the label, 'Insomnia' is NOT how I imagined my triumphant return! Oh well. One thing is certain. 'Blogging really is therapeutic' - me, February 23, 2007. So, if one blog is good, two must be better...? ("Talk about going from zero to sixty", she mutters to herself). Am I going to be able to keep up with myself? "Speed. I am speed." - Lightning McQueen, 'Cars'. Hmmm...I'm hopeful!

So now I think I hope I think that I can post this, turn off my computer, and go back to sleep. Fingers crossed I'm not back here at 3 am writing a post with the label 'Insomnia' for a really, really long time!

Insomnia...

It has been a loooong time since I've been able to say this, thankfully - but now...I think I've got a touch of the insomnia!! It's been creeping up on me for maybe two weeks - one night here, one night there...at approximately 3 a.m. I wake up. And - I'm awake. Tired, but awake. And I can't get back to sleep. So, after lying in bed for awhile, trying to get back to sleep without thinking too hard about it, I get up because I know that I am not going to be successful this way - i.e. the whole 'trying not to think about going to sleep or about not going to sleep while being unable to sleep' thing. Ugh. So, I get up and come downstairs, and inevitably - end up on the computer. Funny thing about my insomnia (well, NOT funny, but you know what I mean...) is that I'm tired, but I can't sleep, but I'm too tired to do anything useful or productive, so although I'm no longer lying in bed, unable to sleep and frustrated, I'm lying on the couch, unable to sleep and frustrated. And, I already know that in the morning, and throughout the day, I will be tired and wanting to nap, and if given the opportunity, would be able to nap. So why can't I just 'nap' right now?! Argh!

This current bout of insomnia comes during an exciting/stressful/overwhelming/ time in our household, which may or may not be a factor in my sleeplessness. We have purchased our first home and have been packing/purging/preparing like maniacs for the big move, which officially happened this past Saturday. Another factor in my insomnia, which is also related to our big move, is that my handy dandy reading light that clips to my book and provides wonderful light for reading but doesn't disturb anybody else in a dark room in the middle of the night (i.e. my husband) has gone missing! While not in use, my clip-on light is clipped to the cord on my bedside lamp. What I should have done in preparation for moving is taken my clip-on light and stuck it in my purse for safekeeping/convenience. What I did do is wrap some packing tape around the lamp stand/cord/clip-on light so that it would all stay together and tidy for the movers. Problem is, when my bedside lamp arrived in our new house, my clip-on light did not! Ack! I don't know what happened to it, but it does not seem to have made the move after all. So now, one of my most sure-fire methods of getting myself back to sleep after having woken up in the middle of the night - reading - is no longer a convenient, easy, non-disturbing-to-husband, etc. option. So...now what?! I think I'll try giving the old-fashioned and traditional method of falling asleep (you know the one - lying down and closing eyes?) another try. Wish me luck!

Insomnia Sucks!!

Insomnia sucks. I don't get it. I'm on the go all day. By 7:30 pm, I'm barely functioning. I'm counting the seconds until the kids go to bed because I am wiped out. I have no energy left to do anything that I need to do (laundry, dishes, etc.) and sadly and with certainty, no energy left to do anything pleasurable just for me (Photoshop, scrapbooking, etc.). I can't keep my eyes open so I either fall asleep on the couch, or - with great effort and feeling so hard done by, I make my way up to bed. I have no problem falling asleep. The first time. But come 3 am, sometimes not until 4 am, and last night - as damn early as 1 am - I wake up. Not for any reason except that it is time. Time to wake up and lie there. Awake. And tired. But unable to sleep. Uncomfortable. Tossing. Turning. Getting up to pee. Getting up again for water. Getting up again to go back down to the couch in the hopes that this time, the couch might actually be the final, magical solution. Doing some Sudoko. Flipping through a magazine. Working on a crossword. Just lying there doing nothing. And I can't sleep! I try not to look at the time because I don't want to know how much time is left before I have to get up. Thinking that even if I get back to sleep and end up having to wake up in twenty minutes, if I don't know that it was only twenty minutes, I might be able to tell myself it was a longer, more significant amount of time and therefore feel the benefits! And the most frustrating thing about not being able to sleep is that I am tired. And although I consider doing something just so as not to be lying there getting increasingly frustrated, and I toy with the idea of doing something purely indulgent that I most often do not have the time to do, I can't bring myself to bother doing anything because I am too tired to do anything. INCLUDING sleep, it seems! That's the only damn thing I want to be doing at 1 or 3 or 4 a.m. Aaarrgh!!! Am I insane?! It's absolutely maddening!! And what is happening now is that I am beginning to obsess about my sleep patterns in my waking hours. And I try not to because I don't want to give these issues any more power than they already have, but I'm painfully, stressfully, strainingly tired and I can't ignore it! So I start worrying about tonight. What if it happens tonight?! It can't possibly because I am beyond tired now, and yet...maybe it could happen. Maybe it will happen. And then what?! Good God! And I mean, please...I NEED my beauty sleep! Like, REALLY badly! There's nothing worse than feeling like a hag inside and then getting a look at yourself in the mirror only to realize that you actually look like that inner hag! On the outside! This is all too much for me. Truly. What's the answer...the magic solution?! Wine? Ativan? Sex? Exercise? Meditation? All of the above, not necessarily in that order?! I just don't know. And - I'm too tired to even be thinking about it. So - another evening is upon me and I'll be giving it another shot. Maybe this phase is passing and I won't have to spend another day at work nodding off in mid-task then looking around in panic, desperately hoping that nobody noticed! Another evening of praying that in the two hours or so that I spend with my children between dinner time and bedtime, I can muster some enthusiasm and humour. Rustle me up some patience and energy with which to savour this quality time...

Wow. This is turning into quite the melodramatic sob story! Must just be my diminished, fragile, sleep deprived state of mind. Oh lawd, I can't stop! It's time for me to cut and run! Here's hoping for an inspirational turn around for tomorrow! Night night! Sleep tight!

3 a.m. eternal

I started this blog so that I could capture all my deepest thoughts about life, etc. but the only time I seem to have deep thoughts is when I'm two stories away from my computer in the middle of the night, like around 3 a.m. or so...What I really need is a laptop that I can sleep with so that instead of scribbling on scrap paper in the dark, I can log on from my bed and get really profound. Last night's thoughts centered around memories of Powell River - specifically my grandparents' house - and then they spun off into wondering about what my children's significant memories of their childhood will be as adults, and then my mother's scrapbook and when did she put it together, anyways?! Last night - or more specifically, at about 3 a.m. this morning, it seemed REALLY important that I ask my mother about her scrapbook, but of course today I didn't get around to calling her. 3 a.m. is also a very wonderful time to get anxious about your children having not seen a dentist in a very long time, though again, there is never time the next day, or even the thought of it, to call a dentist to book an appointment. I wonder what tonights pressing issues will be...I THOUGHT THE DRUGS WERE SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF THIS KIND OF THING?! (sigh...)