Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Insomnia Sucks!!

Insomnia sucks. I don't get it. I'm on the go all day. By 7:30 pm, I'm barely functioning. I'm counting the seconds until the kids go to bed because I am wiped out. I have no energy left to do anything that I need to do (laundry, dishes, etc.) and sadly and with certainty, no energy left to do anything pleasurable just for me (Photoshop, scrapbooking, etc.). I can't keep my eyes open so I either fall asleep on the couch, or - with great effort and feeling so hard done by, I make my way up to bed. I have no problem falling asleep. The first time. But come 3 am, sometimes not until 4 am, and last night - as damn early as 1 am - I wake up. Not for any reason except that it is time. Time to wake up and lie there. Awake. And tired. But unable to sleep. Uncomfortable. Tossing. Turning. Getting up to pee. Getting up again for water. Getting up again to go back down to the couch in the hopes that this time, the couch might actually be the final, magical solution. Doing some Sudoko. Flipping through a magazine. Working on a crossword. Just lying there doing nothing. And I can't sleep! I try not to look at the time because I don't want to know how much time is left before I have to get up. Thinking that even if I get back to sleep and end up having to wake up in twenty minutes, if I don't know that it was only twenty minutes, I might be able to tell myself it was a longer, more significant amount of time and therefore feel the benefits! And the most frustrating thing about not being able to sleep is that I am tired. And although I consider doing something just so as not to be lying there getting increasingly frustrated, and I toy with the idea of doing something purely indulgent that I most often do not have the time to do, I can't bring myself to bother doing anything because I am too tired to do anything. INCLUDING sleep, it seems! That's the only damn thing I want to be doing at 1 or 3 or 4 a.m. Aaarrgh!!! Am I insane?! It's absolutely maddening!! And what is happening now is that I am beginning to obsess about my sleep patterns in my waking hours. And I try not to because I don't want to give these issues any more power than they already have, but I'm painfully, stressfully, strainingly tired and I can't ignore it! So I start worrying about tonight. What if it happens tonight?! It can't possibly because I am beyond tired now, and yet...maybe it could happen. Maybe it will happen. And then what?! Good God! And I mean, please...I NEED my beauty sleep! Like, REALLY badly! There's nothing worse than feeling like a hag inside and then getting a look at yourself in the mirror only to realize that you actually look like that inner hag! On the outside! This is all too much for me. Truly. What's the answer...the magic solution?! Wine? Ativan? Sex? Exercise? Meditation? All of the above, not necessarily in that order?! I just don't know. And - I'm too tired to even be thinking about it. So - another evening is upon me and I'll be giving it another shot. Maybe this phase is passing and I won't have to spend another day at work nodding off in mid-task then looking around in panic, desperately hoping that nobody noticed! Another evening of praying that in the two hours or so that I spend with my children between dinner time and bedtime, I can muster some enthusiasm and humour. Rustle me up some patience and energy with which to savour this quality time...

Wow. This is turning into quite the melodramatic sob story! Must just be my diminished, fragile, sleep deprived state of mind. Oh lawd, I can't stop! It's time for me to cut and run! Here's hoping for an inspirational turn around for tomorrow! Night night! Sleep tight!

1 comment:

Tyler & Karen said...

Thats exactly what I had last winter! Same thing to the T! I got over it I think by changing my eating habits -eating more fruit and veggies and less carby or sugary snacks at night seems to help (we have veggie/fruit smoothies for lunch most days now). And having something to do -I was really unhappy and bored and lonely and that may have contributed to whole dealy that went on last year... just my experience though, may not be yours.


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